While this meant very light-heatedly, we need to address the the biggest red flag of any of the Founding Fathers that is not in any way a joke. We are of course referring to the fact that they enslaved people. Clearly this is not, and never should have been, acceptable behavior. While there are many who will try to give them a pass by saying this was a normal practice of the time, it is important to note that there were and always have been people who strongly opposed and understood how wrong, morally corrupt, and inhumane enslaving people was/is. This fact never should be ignored or downplayed when speaking of the Founding Fathers. For the most part, we do not address this in the following post because it felt wrong to include such a serious matter in such a joking way. Instead, we opted to address it first and head on in a more respectful manner.
Now let’s discuss the Founding Fathers' date-ability and red flags.
- George Washington: Okay first things first: the wooden teeth. We're not in the business of yucking someone's yum, but we're guessing most people don't want a splinter in their mouth. This is high up on our list of cons. On the other hand, he probably has great quads, have you seen that painting of him crossing the Delaware? If men did their own laundry back then, he probably could have washed his knickers on his abs. Sigh. I guess we'll never know. Additionally, unlike half the men in your Hinge inbox, he was *actually* 6'2". Given the nutrition of the time, that’s probably like 6'8" in today’s height. For these petty reasons alone, we give Mr. Washington a rating of 6/10.
- Thomas Jefferson: We are going to go out on a limb here and say what everyone is thinking after watching Hamilton on Disney +. Thomas Jefferson is the worst. For example: his Vice President killed Alexander Hamilton in a duel (men will literally have a duel instead of going to therapy). Now we know that it wasn’t actually Jefferson responsible for Hamilton’s death, but according to “Bro-Code” we are deciding he should be partly culpable for his Vice President (AKA his constitutional bestie) shooting his political rival. It gives off strong "don't handle being wrong or losing well" vibes. Apparently he was also 6'2", but Jefferson has the energy of a man who is 5’10” who says he's 6'1" on his Tinder profile so we're just not that into him. We rate Thomas Jefferson 4/10.
- John Adams: We're all thinking it. We have to talk about that hairline. Sorry Mr. Adams, you seem nice but put a wig on it and if that is a wig, we're concerned. Besides the points we are deducting for the hairline, John Adams seems like a pretty stand-up dude. He often complained to his wife Abigail when the other Founding Fathers were being fussy. He was a lawyer and helped negotiate the Treaty of Peace. Even though he was only 5'7", we’ve decided he has the energy of someone your best friend would start dating and then tell you “he’s cuter in real life I promise” while showing you his Instagram profile. We rate John Adams a solid 7/10.
- Benjamin Franklin: We are subtracting a solid three points from Benny-Boy here because he invented Daylight Savings the bane of our existence. Ben was known to be a bit of a womanizer (seems fake and like a rumor her promoted but okay). He also was known as a fashion icon in France for wearing a silly fur hat (we love trend setter). However, this man risked it all to prove that electricity was real. Overall, Franklin seems like a bit of a mixed bag- we are rating him 5/10.
- Alexander Hamilton: While Hamilton will forever be Lin Manuel Miranda in our hearts, the IRL Hamilton was a bit of a wacky guy. Hamilton was a neurotic finance bro who kept the Republic afloat by taking a bulldog approach to overtaking the treasury. While we’re grateful his ideas helped settle the national debt, he also seems undeniably like the kind of man who would mansplain cryptocurrency to you if he were alive today. Not to mention Hamilton cheated on his wife and then published a pamphlet about his illicit affair for the entire nation to read. He had a crush on his sister-in-law. Plus, he died because he insisted on having a duel with Vice President Aaron Burr who shot him to death? We're begging you men. Go to therapy. Hamilton was a complicated dude, but his musical slaps so we rate him a solid 6/10.
- John Jay: Okay who the heck even is John Jay? He sounds like a man trying to sell you a life insurance policy but apparently he’s a Founding Father. After a quick google search, we discovered that John Jay was the first Chief Justice of the United States (kind of a slay, go off Johnny). John Jay was also an abolitionist. Meaning he knew it was totally uncool to own enslaved people. The bar is so low, but this is a win. Not to mention you would consider him hot if you met him at summer camp. The only bummer is that he only contributed one part to the Federalist Papers, but he bowed out because some angry early American threw a brick at his face and he had to recover. We rate John Jay a solid 9/10 for being circumstantially hot and believing in abolition.
- James Madison: Coming in at 5'4", James Madison is the Polly Pocket of Founding Fathers but we stan a short king. Madison was known as the “Father of the Constitution." Some might say the "daddy" of the Constitution. Madison honestly gives us the ick but we can't totally pinpoint why. It's kind of like when you look a some leftovers and just know you'll be seeing it again in 30 minutes if you eat it. He did negotiate the Louisiana purchase, which is cool and everything, but he also looks like he has never slept a single night in his whole life. That's being said if Pete Davidson can pull it off, the future might be bright for James. 4/10.
And with that we wish you a future happy 4th of July in a time where you have as much bodily autonomy as white men in wigs with wood teeth.